Book Review: His Needs Her Needs

Title:  His Needs Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage

Author: Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Synopsis: Harley begins by explaining what he calls the "Love Bank" concept.  He explains that every person has a love bank account for each of their friends, family, co-workers, etc...  Each day, the people in our various relationships either deposit or debit (withdraw) from the love bank.  The primary relationship that the book focuses on is that between a husband and wife and how that relationship can result in deposits and debits from the love bank.

Harley believes that there are ten emotional needs that can typically, but not always, be divided into "his needs" and "her needs".  A woman's top five emotional needs include (in no specific order): (1)  affection, (2) conversation, (3) honesty and openness, (4) financial support, and (5) family commitment.   A husband's top five emotional needs include (again, in no specific order): (1) sexual fulfillment, (2) recreational companionship, (3) an attractive spouse, (4) domestic support, and (5) admiration.  Harley believes that when either spouse's emotional needs are unmet, the marriage is susceptible to divorce and/or infidelity. 

Each chapter of the book alternates between discussing his needs and her needs.  While each chapter deals with what may be considered a "his" or "her" need, Harley addresses both the husband and wife in each chapter.  Harley continues to discuss the love bank concept, explaining that when a husband or wife meets their spouses emotional needs, he or she deposits high currency into their spouse's love bank, thereby preventing someone else from meeting that emotional need as well or as much as the spouse.   Some needs, such as sexual fulfillment, are needs that can only be met by the spouse.  As such, Harley emphasizes the importance of each spouse working to identify and meet their spouses emotional needs.

Harley writes that fulfilling those needs "means preparing yourself to meet needs you may not appreciate yourself.  By learning to understand your spouse as a totally different person than you, you can begin to become an expert in meeting all that person's emotional needs."

My thoughts:  What I liked: First, I appreciated that Harley spoke to/addressed both the husband and wife in each chapter.  He did not choose to just address the husband in the "her needs" chapters and vice versa.  As such, I think a woman will be able to read the "her needs" chapters and still learn and even be able to identify things that she can do to better assist her husband in meeting the so-called "her needs."   Harley also includes questions at the conclusion of each chapter--"him" questions, "her" questions, and "consider together" questions which I think could be helpful in sparking insightful conversation!

Second, what I really enjoyed was the ever-important theme of selflessness and the give & take of the marriage relationship.   Harley begins the book by making sure that it is understood that your spouse is different from you.  Sure, you may share similarities and have tons of things in common, but men and women are different.  Men and women do, at times, have different needs.  Even if we don't realize it.  So I really enjoyed the overall discussion about being selfless enough to remember that your spouse's needs may be different from your needs.  The key is to identify his/her needs and then work to meet them without being phony, false, mechanical, etc...  I particularly enjoyed the chapters on affection, conversation, and admiration.  As for the affection & conversation chapters, I think they spoke to two of my important emotional needs and the admiration chapter was informative because Troy's PLL (primary love language) is words of affirmation!  So the admiration chapter helped me to understand even more why words of admiration meet a husband's emotional need!  (at least in my case)
 
Shifting gears--What I did not like/agree with: In the recreational companionship chapter, Harley goes too far in his assessment of how the need for recreational companionship  must be fulfilled.  Harley concludes that a wife should develop an interest in the recreational activities that her husband enjoys and if she cannot enjoy them, she should "encourage[] him to consider other activities that they can enjoy together."  The husband should consider giving up those activities that his wife really does not like to do.  An example he gives--giving up watching "Monday Night Football."

The rationale behind Harley's conclusion is that married couples should be each other's best friend and "playmate."  If you allow another person to become your spouse's recreational buddy, that allows someone else to deposit large amounts into your spouse's love bank and thus will make the spouse susceptible to an affair.  In the case of same-sex friendships, Harley believes a spouse should not want someone else to fill up their spouse's love bank through spending time together doing recreational activities. 

Overall, I. do. not. agree.  My primary problem with Harley's thought is that he forgets and omits the importance of same-sex friendships.  I believe that men need other men to hang out with, talk to about "men things," and occasionally enjoy certain recreational activities together.  The same is true for women.  These things do not take away from a marriage; in fact, I believe they can enhance and add to a healthy marriage.  Troy and I enjoy time spent with young married couples.  We find ourselves spending a great deal of time with our friends Eric & Sonja.  Whenever we get together there is always some point where Troy and Eric go off and talk about something and Sonja and I do the same (or we leave and go to the mall!).  It's actually never planned that way, it just happens!  The same is true even if we're with other couples.  The women break off for a while and the men do the same!     

I like shopping. A LOT.  And while I enjoy when Troy & I go shopping together (i.e. he brings along a book and says he likes pretty much everything I try on), it's a different type of shopping than when me and a friend pull a 10:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. shopping extravaganza!  So, should I give up my time when I spend the majority of the day with a friend doing something that, hey, just might fill up my "love bank"?  I say, Heavens no!

Troy loves talking to Aaron, one of his closest friends, about books or about any and everything related to the church & the Bible.  As long as I've known Troy, he has valued that aspect of his friendship with Aaron.  You should see the two of them when they get together! Closer than brothers! Should I now demand that that time be taken from Aaron and given to me?  I think not.  As a matter of fact, that type of selfish behavior in a marriage will give birth to resentment, lying, and anger.  Among other things!

The key that Harley omits is this nugget--All things are done in moderation!!!   What I think Harley should have addressed is the need to make sure that your time spent with your close same-sex friends does not severely outweigh and have greater significance than your time spent enjoying your spouse.  That's where problems lie.  I would definitely recommend that he consider adding more discussion about balancing relationships and ensuring that other relationships do not consume a husband or wife to the point of neglecting their spouse.  But, the tone of the book is definitely that no other relationship can be meaningful except for the husband & wife relationship.  I think that's very very sad. and wrong!

Recommend?  Despite the areas that I disagreed with Harley, I would recommend the book! But with a qualifier!  I would not recommend this book to an engaged or newly married couple.  I would, however, recommend the book to those who have been married for at least one year.  I think it helps to have marital experience before reading this book because it will allow a couple to better use this book as a tool as opposed to a potentially false guide.  Certain things that Harley writes, for example he advises a husband to make at least 15 hours a week for undivided attention for his wife, I think would freak out newlyweds or engaged couples.   While it's great to identify emotional needs, I think a book more like the Five Love Languages, which is a little more big picture, is better for an engaged or newly married couple.  I found the book insightful but I was able to draw on my experiences from the past two years in better understanding certain parts of the book and in being able to disagree with some of Harley's conclusions. 

Small note: There is a chapter entitled "How to Survive An Affair" that I did not read and therefore have no comment on.  There was no need to read that chapter!

Rating: B+

If you've read or find yourself reading His Needs Her Needs please leave a comment or email me! I'd love to hear your thoughts!

SG

Book Review: The Five Love Languages

Title: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Author: Gary Chapman

Categories: Relationships [child/parent, husband/wife, friend/friend], Love, Self-Reflection, Marriage

Synopsis: Everyone has a love language.  What is a love language?  It is the way in which you perceive/receive love.  There are 5 love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Acts of Service
4. Receiving of Gifts
5. Physical Touch

While you may immediately think, "Hey, I like all five of those!" chances are only one is your primary love language ("PLL").  Chapman writes, "My conclusion after thirty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages--five ways that people speak and understand emotional love."

After some introductory chapters, Chapman then gives each love language its own chapter where he describes the love language in detail and gives examples from couples he has counseled over the years.  Chapman then gives the reader an opportunity to determine what their love language is.  Here are a few waysto determine what your PLL is:

• think of how you mostly express love to others.  This may evidence what your PLL is.  i.e. you express love the way in which you wish to receive love.
• think of your complaints of your friends/spouse or ways in which they make you feel unloved.  That may reveal what your PLL is. i.e.  You always complain that your spouse does not tell you how much he/she likes the way you dress, how you cook, etc... this may be an indication that "words of affirmation" is your PLL.
• Chapman writes "what makes you feel most loved by your spouse? what do you desire above all else?  If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages.  What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply? . . .  If your primary love language is used negatively by your spouse--that is, he does the opposite--it will hurt you more deeply than it would hurt someone else."
• think about what you request the most from your spouse.  this may indicate your PLL as well.

Chapman then discusses how "love is a choice" and talks about the importance of selflessness in the marriage relationship. speaking your spouse's love language even if they aren't speaking yours.  He ends his book with a short chapter about understanding your child's PLL. He talks about how your child, at a young age, develops a PLL unintentionally and how speaking your child's PLL is very important. He also notes that chances are if you have more than one child, each child's PLL will be different so don't try a "one size fits all" solution for all of your children.

My Thoughts:   There are a number of things I liked about this book.  First, I actually learned something about myself (always a PLUS!).  Coming into the book I was pretty sure what my PLL was.  BUT after reading the book, my PLL is actually not what I thought it was (I just knew I spoke QT, but it turns out my PLL is acts of service and QT is my secondary language).   So, learning something about myself gives this book a plus for sure.  I also found it interesting to see how I rank the five languages in significance. 

Second, although Chapman doesn't really discuss love languages outside of the spouse and children context, I really believe this applies to any close relationships that we have.  However, I also think that our PLL may vary depending on the relationship.  At least mine does.  For my friends, my PLL is quality time.  Receiving a gift, words of affirmation, acts of service, and/or a warm embrace when I'm down from a friend is great.  BUT, for me, it really means a great deal when friends make time for me.  Not just time, quality time.  Likewise, it really hurts a great deal when friends don't make quality time for me.  Thus, I learned that my PLL in my most important (female) friendships is quality time. 

Like I said, Chapman does not go into the friendship relationship, but it was very easy for me to assess my PLL in all of my relationships through this book.  Do you perceive love differently from friends? parents? spouse? or do you have the same PLL for all of those people?  I'm sure, for some, you may speak the same PLL for each of those relationships.  But I learned that I do not.

Third, Chapman really focuses on selflessness.  Which, in my humble opinion, is one of the most important words in the marriage relationship.  He really talks about the importance of learning and speaking your spouse's love language even when you do not feel as though they are speaking yours.  Some of his examples from couples that he has counseled were quite moving.  By focusing on what others' PLL is, the book reminds the reader that "it's not always about you!"   Trying to learn the PLL of your friends, family, spouse may help you express love in ways you never have before.

Recommend?  I would definitely recommend this book to any couple that is engaged.  But honestly, I can see how many married couples could also benefit from this book.  And like I said, I was able to take Chapman's analysis/discussion of the 5 love languages and apply it outside of the marriage context.  So really anyone could read the book and learn something.  However, I'd say the target audience is engaged and/or married couples.

Rating (A-F): Solid A

If you've read The Five Love Languages please let me know your thoughts!!

SG